The Path to Cronehood

Cronehood may be defined as a woman who stands on the other side of menopause often seen as the wise women archetype in life. I do not wish to present myself as wise, but maybe more reflective as I have come to realise the dramatic impact the menopause has had on my being.

Fighting a chronic pain condition, you can’t see is a challenge in itself, but then add in the possibility of becoming perimenopause and then menopausal into the mix and that really takes it to another level. It is only since the media and celebrity spotlight is being shone on the menopause and everyone is talking about it and sharing their experience, that it has been possible to relate it to my own health.  

A few years ago, outside a house was a basket of books, in it a book on the menopause, my friend suggested that I may need that book soon. It was then that it dawned on me, I felt myself emerging out of the shadows into a realisation that I was already there. This came as a bit of a surprise to both of us when they asked, did you not have any hot flushes or anything? I realised some of my symptoms relating to fibromyalgia had altered, softened and dissolved away. I was feeling less pain, had more energy and my general well-being greatly improved, I recalled I had not had a period for a couple of years, I just hadn’t noticed.

When Fibromyalgia came into my life 10 years ago, it was while I was also maybe perimenopausal. Being in my early 40’s and still hoping to have a family having already experienced a complicated miscarriage, the menopause was far from my mind, yet it crept up on me silently taking away motherhood and drawing me towards cronehood. It came unnoticed at first, but now I recognise the signs, the similar symptoms also associated with Fibro. I was changing and moving into another phase of my life one that I was not ready for and one that I was uninformed about.

I recognise that Fibromyalgia was probably trauma-induced due to events happening in my life at that time, but at no point during my diagnosis or treatment were my hormone levels checked or my menstrual health enquired about. It is almost like a big mystery the unspoken part that lurks in the shadows, even now I have been left to join up the dots to make sense of what happened.    

With Fibro came a whole load of symptoms, widespread chronic pain, depression, anxiety, sleep disturbance, brain fog, chronic fatigue, extreme sensitivity to light, noise, touch and even foods, unable to regulate my temperature giving me hot flushes and night sweats, the psychological impact of massive mood swings and a suppressed immune system. My periods had become erratic and often resulted in flooding which would cause extreme embarrassment if I was away from home.  Some days the symptoms were worse than others and this may now have been down to the fluctuation in my hormones. Some but not all, of these symptoms, may be familiar to anyone who has fibromyalgia or a similar chronic pain condition as well as those who are perimenopausal or menopausal.

The symptoms have impacted my life tremendously I was unable to go to work for 6 months, luckily for me, I had an understanding and supportive employer, although when I returned to work it was on a part-time basis and I found it very challenging. It took so much effort to work a few days, that in the time I wasn’t there, I was wiped out and needed to rest. I would sometimes be crying at my desk and not know why. Then the added pressure of trying to remember everything I needed to teach when brain fog, rolled on in. The increased anxiety around sudden flooding when it could happen at work would leave me feeling low in energy and unprepared. I had to wear dark clothing to minimise any embarrassment due to leaking. At the time I did not realise I was perimenopausal, I thought it was all fibromyalgia. Unhelpful comments such as ‘you are always ill’ from your peers can be unhelpful when you are trying to navigate your way through this.  

I do feel that fibromyalgia and the menopause could be linked based on my own experience, but more research is required. I guess talking about it also brings it into the present moment. We do not need to hide in the shadows our journeys may be different but each leads us along the path from maiden, to mother, to crone. I can now celebrate that I have crossed that threshold and joined others to become a crone, a purely transformational moment that went by unnoticed, until now. A crone was often perceived to be an ugly old woman, but standing here now in cronehood I see lines of laughter and life etched onto beautiful souls who hold a collective wisdom and I feel blessed to be among you.

I now support others on their journey to wellness, helping them to heal from the inside out. If you feel you would like to reach out to me, please visit my website.

www.taylormadetherapy.co.uk

 

Authors Note: The Maiden, The Mother & The Crone come from the Celtic Tradition of the Tripple Goddess. The Crone can share similar characteristics with The Hag. For those who read my blog and would like to identify with the masculine, the archetypes would be The Youth, The Warrior & The Sage.

My definition of Cronehood is based purely on my own experience, by choosing to embody the Crone archetype. I welcome in that energy and with it the magic and mystery.

Still Fighting & Writing

My Holistic Fibro Fighter story starts when I began blogging in January of 2017 with a post about Flu or Fibro? part journal and part review. I discovered an outlet to externalise what was happening inside my body and the battles I documented in claiming back my health. I had no idea if anyone would be interested to hear about my personal fight.

The amazing power of for the body to heal itself from Trauma using Trauma Release Exercises, (TRE) really supported me when my father died, a few days after his death I participated in a radio interview about living with Fibromyalgia and how holistic therapies helped to support me. You can listen to that recording here Radio Show.

Some of the therapies and activities I have been offered have had a profound impact on my mind body and soul, but not everything has had a positive effect. Here I would add that when I felt that they are not working for me, particularly with sound or energy healing I recognise that it takes my body a little time to readjust to the vibrational frequency, healing is not something to be rushed. It takes time to integrate at a cellular level.  Reiki has supported a massive change for me, and it is an area that I continue to develop in enhancing my client offering in the future by combining it with Shamanic practices. This is where it all starts My quest for healing discovering reiki and spiritual healing. A session on The Crystal healing bed and Tibetan Bowls healing session.

When I was invited to participate in the most amazing laughter yoga session I am going to enjoy this I recall how healing I found laughter to be. This can sometimes be the best form of therapy.  

Through my Yoga practice, I was able to Embrace change before Fibro I had never attended a yoga class, and I am still not very bendy but I love to go to yoga for sleep, for me that was always the best bit at the end of a class. I still love the practice of Yoga Nidra.  

Zumba and Fibro are not a combination that would necessarily be great partners but who knew! Dance to your own rhythm and the ever-constant, my go-to if there is a pain flare-up Gong Bath (no removal of clothes required).

The struggles of when not everything was going to my plan Do what makes you happy and reflecting my grief and loss in walking your own path.

It is important to put in strong boundaries, even if that can be a challenge The power of saying NO and how many times we say yes I am fine, but actually what is going on Behind the mask.

To ease my Dis… is when I lost my mojo and started to slip back down again.

My experience of Shamanic Journeying later led me to train in Psychospiritual and Therapeutic Shamanism. I was not aware there was such a thing as drum birthing, although I did decide to take some maternity leave afterward; believe me it is not an easy process of Birthing A Drum. The drum that I birthed is played regularly at the drum circle and I love the sound and energy that she produces.    

My experience of  Celebrating Life and the Circle of Life I feel are part of my spiritual awakening. My reflections on being bullied Rewriting Life whilst at school which I now realise were very similar to when I worked for a company and my line manager was a bully, this was in the year prior to becoming ill, no doubt feeding into the emotional stress that my body was being subjected to. When I left I decided not to follow it through at the time I just wanted it to stop, maybe now I would stand up against them. Bullying at any age is not OK. When you recognise your own power, it really changes how your body responds to triggers later in life.

How to Change your energy is something that I still do now and recently we were so blessed to have Donna Eden give us a talk at Devon Dowsers about this amazing technique.    

Dowsing Energy and the Pyramid Lines add another layer to my understanding of things that can’t be seen but can be measured and can have an influence on absolutely everything. I find dowsing to be an amazing tool that I use professionally.

Being me was my final blog of 2018 and I decided not to write for a while until a year later One year on

In 2019 I took the huge step of launching my therapy business Taylor Made Therapy and then came a Pandemic  Uncertain times were my take on it all.

They always say ‘What does not break you, makes you stronger’ Change provided me with space to explore that. I became more in tune with the seasons The 2020 Winter Solstice and  Spring Equinox  helped me to find balance

Since living with Fibromyalgia and finally getting a diagnosis in 2014 I have explored my spiritual and holistic side.  I continue to stay as active as possible, walking out on Dartmoor, attending regular drum circles, exploring the use of Shamanic energy, and attending retreats using TRE and energy work to aid healing. I decided to self-manage my condition and set up my own treatment plan without the use of medication. I am now able to continue to do the things I love.

It has been a long journey to wellness, and I still travel that path, although at a different pace now. The purpose of my Blog was to share my experiences of living with a chronic pain condition and a label that I did not want. I have a diagnosis, but Fibro does not define me.

I believe that we all have the ability to heal ourselves and everyone’s story will be different and unique, just as mine is. However, what I do hold in my heart is HOPE, as at one point I did not have that, and my future looked bleak. I was given the opportunity to change my life and I chose that option, to step away from the stress that I felt was feeding the pain in my body. I learned to understand and listen to what my soul was trying to tell me and in doing so to change my life. 

My Holistic Fibro Fighter Blog will continue and evolve as I have, my intention is to share more of my experiences as I enter this new chapter into wellness. I feel blessed to have an amazing network of family, friends, and other therapists who have either been with me from the start or joined me along the way. I am truly grateful for your love, friendship, and continued support, it could have been a very different story.      

I now support others on their journey to wellness, helping them to heal from the inside out. If you feel you would like to reach out to me, please visit my website.

www.taylormadetherapy.co.uk

My Story

I have decided to share my story, for the first time in full, not the edited version of how I became unwell. This came about after having the space over the last couple of years, to step back a little to observe and witness the pain I have carried for over a decade.  I wish to share this now in the hope that it may support others in searching for their own story that they are holding onto.  

This is how I ended up being The Holistic Fibro Fighter….

My symptoms first appeared in the Autumn of 2013 when I had somewhat of a ‘Crisis Time’. This started whilst I drove home late one evening from work across Telegraph Hill and had to break suddenly for a large deer in the middle of the road, its antlers should I have hit it, would certainly have caused me significant injury. (This could have been part of my Shamanic spiritual awakening). During this incident, I hit both knees on the dashboard and I experienced increased movement in my neck from heavy breaking, resulting in whiplash. I recall another vehicle passing by me at speed in the adjacent lane; I was stationary at this stage, still eyeballing a large stag in front of the car.

At the same time, my husband was unwell, awaiting surgery and I was also giving support to my 81-year-old father who was trying to extricate himself from a difficult situation involving domestic violence.  I recognised these things individually had high levels of stress, together with working full time in education and attempting to function generally in my own life these may have all been contributing factors to my body’s attempt to warn me to slow down.   

I started to feel what I can only describe as buttock pain, coupled with flu-like symptoms and pain in my knees and feet, I was experiencing low mood and became grouchy and tearful, I then had an increase in pain and difficulty walking. By Christmas, I was on the edge of the abyss. My body had let me down. The pain became more widespread and impacted on my daily activities, even holding cutlery to eat was almost impossible.  I became depressed, feeling isolated and helpless. I was unable to go to work, drive the car or walk, even getting out of bed was so painful that it was easier to just stay in it. I was unable to sleep as the pain increased at night resulting in deep burning sensations throughout my body. I had trouble regulating my temperature and I suffered from brain fog, which was possibly the hardest thing to deal with. Not being able to remember anything, can be really frightening (post-it notes became my friend) the cocktail of medication including Tramadol I was put on either didn’t touch the pain or made me so drugged up that I was incoherent.

I was in my early forties and had led a relatively active life up until then bird watching and walking. I had a job that I loved and generally enjoyed my life. If you looked at me apart from using a stick, there was nothing to see physically that could indicate the amount of pain I was being subjected to. Any form of exercise wiped me out, and my husband took over all the household chores, and if I wanted to do something like visit family I would need to rest before and after; having to decide whether the pain that I may suffer from afterward was worth what I wanted to do. That is a big ask when suddenly everything comes at a price!

Friends, family, and work colleagues were supportive, but it was challenging as no one could see what we were dealing with. Once I received a diagnosis from Rheumatology it didn’t stop there. In fact, it probably exacerbated the situation I was in. I was in denial trying to convince myself that I had a virus or post-viral fatigue. All I had was a label and no cure. I was so angry I felt that I had been put on the scrap heap, not a great place to be when your mood is at rock bottom and there is no hope. (I now feel almost 10 years on that I was also going through the menopause, I am in the process of documenting my thoughts on that for a blog to be published soon)

It has been such a long journey, one that this blog has charted.  I decided that I would put links into this post to make it easier for you the reader to navigate through my experience and read previously published articles that you or someone you know may benefit from having access to. This also gave me the opportunity for reflection. I have done so much personal development and searching, and I find it remarkable to witness how I have and continue to heal myself.  

Over the years I have had therapists, friends and complete strangers reach out to me, I am very humbled that my story touches them at some level. I recognise that my illness gave me a gift and that gift was to believe in myself and experience life at its most challenging then share the experience with others. Fibro isolated me in the early stages before my diagnosis and then came the connections and they continue in the most unexpected situations, I can be in the middle of a car park and have a seemingly random conversation with a perfect stranger only for them to disclose they are fighting a chronic pain condition. A coincidence maybe but I do feel synchronicity plays a part.  When we reach out to others, we can feel less alone. I write from a place deep within my soul, a place of love, a place of healing. I do believe we can change. It is this that keeps me fighting and writing.        

I now support others on their journey to wellness, helping them to heal from the inside out. If you feel you would like to reach out to me, please visit my website.

www.taylormadetherapy.co.uk

Spring Equinox ~ Finding balance.

Tomorrow is a day when we celebrate the solar festival of the Vernal Equinox when night and day are of equal length. This is an opportunity to think about the balance within our own lives.

It is also the day of the sun entering Aries, a fire sign and symbolized by the Ram that represents male fertility and often the horned cornucopia of abundance. This is the first sign of the zodiac and begins a new cycle.

Nature is beginning to wake up after the dormancy of winter, flowers starting to grow and blossom. Birds busy nesting and egg laying. With the lengthening of days and more heat from the sun nourishing and giving energy to all things, including ourselves.  

This celebration is also known as Ostara the transitioning from dark into light sitting between the other two festivals of Imolc and Beltane. Ostara is a spring festivity that honours Eostre; according to legend she is the goddess of springtime and flowers.

She is also known as the goddess of the dawn, rising in the east, the direction associated with rebirth and of fire energy.  It has been said that it is also where the word Easter derives and maybe why we associate eggs and rabbits with this time of year.

With the emerging rising of the spring energy, now may be a good time to spring clean spiritually, emotionally and physically; bringing things back into balance.

We can do this in many ways and here are some ideas you may wish to consider.

• Plant some seeds that you can nurture and grow
• Walk and reconnect with nature
• Paint or decorate some eggs
• Construct a spring alter
• Light a candle and consider what you would like to rebalance in your life
• Wear a colour, associated with spring such as yellow or green  
• Make a crown or garland of flowers
• Declutter your home and have a really good spring clean
• Eat fresh seasonal produce
• Move your body, stretch, skip or dance
• Consider journaling, creative writing or maybe compose a springtime poem or song
• Spring clean your mind by working with your subconscious to clear core belief and emotions that are no longer serving you, bringing them back into balance  

Do what feels right for you, allowing this beautiful spring energy to renew and invigorate you.

I wish for you Ostara Blessings….

May you embrace the birth of all life.

May you nurture what you sow.

May you grow in mind, body, soul and spirit.

May you find balance within your own world.

Jane Taylor (Holistic Fibro Fighter)

Image credit ~ Amanda Clark

Change

It feels strange, I have a sense of panic that maybe I did not do all the things I thought I would do during lockdown.  There is a bit of guilt there, that maybe I wasted an opportunity.

‘Time will pass, this way but once’ have I missed it; is it too late; a state of panic.

I am not sure if I want to go back to the old normal;  what is the new normal?  what is normal?

I feel that I have been an observer, watching this whole global pandemic unfold, it is almost like I have been in a dream state, working out what is real and what is not.

What I have done, is given myself time to heal, I have a real sense that I have been in a calm state of mind that has not been mediating in a crossed legged position trying to be like Yoda.

I have been gently observing life, watching as she has unfolded through nature, the nesting birds rearing their young, the out of date seeds that I planted now coming into flower. The quietness of the planet, the beauty of the dawn chorus, the gentle sound of the sea.

I have taken countless photos of sunrises and sunsets. I guess that they have been something regular in my life, a daily routine of which I have no control, other than to not be awake or willing to observe them.

The guilt I felt, of not going out for my once daily exercise has lifted and I find there are a few days in a row that I may choose not to go out for a walk. Yes, that is ok, I am listening to my body, allowing myself to nurture me.

I have spent this time during Lockdown unconsciously inwardly observing; who I am; where I want to be.  I have noticed with this sense of calm.  I am presently living without pain. Stress and pain for me go hand in hand.

My body rhythm has altered, I arise with the sun and despite the lack of sleep hours, I feel more rested than I have done in years. The hours that I do sleep seem more nourishing and I do not feel the need for an afternoon nap.

What has changed since we started to come out of lockdown; I have become annoyed at the inconsiderate small minority of folk who ignore social distancing and charge straight towards me. The loud traffic noise that is drowning out the bird song and sound of the sea. The confusion around the changing guidelines, the blatant few who choose to do their own thing and ignore all of this.

All of these I have little or no control over, but it is how I choose to react to them that matters. I have learnt to dodge the few who come at me oblivious to the world around them; for I do not know what is going on for them.

The traffic is quiet in the early morning at sunrise, so I relish this moment to savor the dawn of a new day.

As for the guidelines, I allow others to do what they feel is right for them. I would not wish to be putting those I care about at risk, because I want to give them a hug, the hug maybe more for me, than for them.

When I experience change of any kind, it is my relationship with it that evolves, with change comes loss of something, even when that change is positive. It is a loss of the old and maybe a small amount of fear of the future and of that change. With that loss comes grief, which is inevitable.

How I deal with grief is to understand and deal with the emotions that I am experiencing and find a way to move forward. It need not be a negative experience; it can be viewed as a gift where I am able to take something positive and appreciative how it enriches my life.

Last year I attended a funeral, during the service we were offered a question to consider, ‘What are you going to do, to change things in your own world, to make this life matter?’

I decided that in order to make changes in my life, I needed to concentrate on the positive aspects and despite living with a diagnosis and constant battle with pain, I knew I did not want my world to continue that way. I chose to eliminate dairy and gluten from my diet, it was a big one for me, I love cheese and I love bread.

Life was challenging for a time, but now I can see the benefits. The benefits outweigh the loss, to live without pain for the last 8 months is incredible. I have more energy, feel amazing and I often get complimented on how well I look.

However, there is also some sadness that I no longer have the pain: having lived with it so long, losing it left me feeling a bit empty, a weird void, my pain had defined me and I needed to search for a new identity.

Lockdown as given the opportunity to do just that and all the change that has been brought about, has  given me time to think and focus on what is important to me, my connection to myself and those around me. I have a clear direction of where I am heading, taking my business forward with me, feeling excited about the future.

We are all unique, so our own changes will be individual, only we will know if the things we change in our own world, will make this life matter.  I know the changes I have made over the past few months really matter to me; they are not necessarily going to impact globally. The way I have acknowledged my looking inwards without realising;  bringing a sense of calm to my world, is what has kept me going through lockdown.

If you feel a sense of loss, struggling to make sense of things, or perhaps you would like to make changes in your own life. Please reach out to me.

Taylor Made Therapy

Mental Health Awareness Week ~ Kindness Poem

#KindnessMatters #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek #Taylormadetherapycouk #anxiety #depression #devon #bekindtoyourself #endthesigmaofmentalhealth #holisticfibrofighter #counselling #pscychotherapy