I have decided to share my story, for the first time in full, not the edited version of how I became unwell. This came about after having the space over the last couple of years, to step back a little to observe and witness the pain I have carried for over a decade. I wish to share this now in the hope that it may support others in searching for their own story that they are holding onto.
This is how I ended up being The Holistic Fibro Fighter….
My symptoms first appeared in the Autumn of 2013 when I had somewhat of a ‘Crisis Time’. This started whilst I drove home late one evening from work across Telegraph Hill and had to break suddenly for a large deer in the middle of the road, its antlers should I have hit it, would certainly have caused me significant injury. (This could have been part of my Shamanic spiritual awakening). During this incident, I hit both knees on the dashboard and I experienced increased movement in my neck from heavy breaking, resulting in whiplash. I recall another vehicle passing by me at speed in the adjacent lane; I was stationary at this stage, still eyeballing a large stag in front of the car.
At the same time, my husband was unwell, awaiting surgery and I was also giving support to my 81-year-old father who was trying to extricate himself from a difficult situation involving domestic violence. I recognised these things individually had high levels of stress, together with working full time in education and attempting to function generally in my own life these may have all been contributing factors to my body’s attempt to warn me to slow down.
I started to feel what I can only describe as buttock pain, coupled with flu-like symptoms and pain in my knees and feet, I was experiencing low mood and became grouchy and tearful, I then had an increase in pain and difficulty walking. By Christmas, I was on the edge of the abyss. My body had let me down. The pain became more widespread and impacted on my daily activities, even holding cutlery to eat was almost impossible. I became depressed, feeling isolated and helpless. I was unable to go to work, drive the car or walk, even getting out of bed was so painful that it was easier to just stay in it. I was unable to sleep as the pain increased at night resulting in deep burning sensations throughout my body. I had trouble regulating my temperature and I suffered from brain fog, which was possibly the hardest thing to deal with. Not being able to remember anything, can be really frightening (post-it notes became my friend) the cocktail of medication including Tramadol I was put on either didn’t touch the pain or made me so drugged up that I was incoherent.
I was in my early forties and had led a relatively active life up until then bird watching and walking. I had a job that I loved and generally enjoyed my life. If you looked at me apart from using a stick, there was nothing to see physically that could indicate the amount of pain I was being subjected to. Any form of exercise wiped me out, and my husband took over all the household chores, and if I wanted to do something like visit family I would need to rest before and after; having to decide whether the pain that I may suffer from afterward was worth what I wanted to do. That is a big ask when suddenly everything comes at a price!
Friends, family, and work colleagues were supportive, but it was challenging as no one could see what we were dealing with. Once I received a diagnosis from Rheumatology it didn’t stop there. In fact, it probably exacerbated the situation I was in. I was in denial trying to convince myself that I had a virus or post-viral fatigue. All I had was a label and no cure. I was so angry I felt that I had been put on the scrap heap, not a great place to be when your mood is at rock bottom and there is no hope. (I now feel almost 10 years on that I was also going through the menopause, I am in the process of documenting my thoughts on that for a blog to be published soon)
It has been such a long journey, one that this blog has charted. I decided that I would put links into this post to make it easier for you the reader to navigate through my experience and read previously published articles that you or someone you know may benefit from having access to. This also gave me the opportunity for reflection. I have done so much personal development and searching, and I find it remarkable to witness how I have and continue to heal myself.
Over the years I have had therapists, friends and complete strangers reach out to me, I am very humbled that my story touches them at some level. I recognise that my illness gave me a gift and that gift was to believe in myself and experience life at its most challenging then share the experience with others. Fibro isolated me in the early stages before my diagnosis and then came the connections and they continue in the most unexpected situations, I can be in the middle of a car park and have a seemingly random conversation with a perfect stranger only for them to disclose they are fighting a chronic pain condition. A coincidence maybe but I do feel synchronicity plays a part. When we reach out to others, we can feel less alone. I write from a place deep within my soul, a place of love, a place of healing. I do believe we can change. It is this that keeps me fighting and writing.
I now support others on their journey to wellness, helping them to heal from the inside out. If you feel you would like to reach out to me, please visit my website.
Holistic Fibro Fighter 